Saturday, October 31, 2009

The End.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be taking this blog down within the next week.

I started this blog in the hope to connect with people I did not get to talk to very often. So we could catch up on eachothers' lives on a more personal level than just Facebook or MySpace. I had hoped that as I make changes and decisions in my life I would be able to share openly with everyone who reads matter how emotional and difficult those changes may be.

Throughout my entire life I have used writing as a way to express my emotions. I am the first to admit that I am not the best at communication. I use writing as a way to de-stress and just let everything go. For me, it's so much easier than talking about it. Maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism? I don't know. But it helps and calms me. I had hoped that this blog would be a sort of journal. Somewhere that if I needed advice, or help, or encouragement, or just needed to get something off of my chest, I would be able to write about it.

Unfortunately, this blog has ceased to be a place for me to write free of judgement and ridicule. It has become the opposite of what I had hoped it would has become stressful and worrisome to me. Instead of being a place to release my feelings - it has become somewhere that, even as I write this, I know that people are judging me. I have to be careful about what I write because I know it will backfire on me.

I want to assure everyone who may be wondering - I am ok. Do I have alot going on right now? Yes. Do I have some important decisions to make in the near future? Yes. But honestly - what 22/23-year old, (semi) recent college grad is not thinking about the rest of their lives right now? About what they want to do with their career, where they want to live, the type of family they want to have? I am in the process of re-evaluating where I am at right now, and deciding if I want to make changes to my current path.

I am the type of person who lives with no regrets. I do not regret anything I've done with my life up to this point. Even though I may bitch and moan sometimes, I really do love my life. I have a college degree and will hopefully be persuing my Master's within the next year. I have a stable job that, granted I do not love, but I definitely do like and I really could not ask for a better company to work for. I have an amazing group of friends who would be there for me at the drop of a hat if I needed them. My family, while not as close as we used to be, I know supports and loves me no matter what. I am living on my own and supporting myself. No - I'm not married and I don't have kids...nor do I have plans to do either of those things in the near future. When the time is right, those things will happen. I am in no rush. I believe that I am a good person. I am not perfect and I make alot of mistakes. But I believe that my flaws make me who I am. I mean, c'mon, who wants to be perfect?

I want to thank everyone who has read this blog and supported me and offered advice or giudance over the past couple of years. If you would like to keep in close contact, I do still have a Facebook or you can reach me by email at If you want my cell phone number, email or message me and I will give it to you.

Thanks everyone.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Adventures of a Single 22 Year Old: Tired.

I feel like I've been taking care of myself my entire life. And I'm tired of it. I learned the essentials of living on my own since way before I actually lived by myself. I've learned that I'm the only person I can really rely on. I'm independent and I'm proud of myself for being that way.

But lately I just wish I had someone who could take care of me. I think it was being so sick the past few weeks that brought that on. I'm tired of not having someone to go and get me medicine and soup. Not having someone to come home to at night when I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. Not having someone to cry and whine to when I'm having a bad day.

I'm tired of coming home at night and I'm alone. When I work until 2 or 3 am I come home and no one is there to make me feel safe. I know my friends and family care about and love me, but it's not the same. It's not the same as having someone who just knows you and who is there every night and day for you. And everyone out in blog land who has that knows what I mean.

I'm tired of dating. Of pretending to be someone I'm not just to impress some guy who inevitably ends up being a d-bag. Of living in a city where everyone seems so fake. Of wanting to move and not having the courage to do so. Of pretending like I'm not in love with the one guy who really does know me and love me for me, but he's not here. Of broken promises and unrealized dreams.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of feeling like it's wrong for me to want someone to be there for me when I need them.

I'm just so tired.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Es Mi Casa

Amy just posted pictures of her and Andrew's apartment after living there for 6 weeks....I've lived in mine for 6 months and, alas, no pictures. So - since I finally cleaned my apartment - here are a couple of photos!

This is my "guest" bath...which is funny because I rarely have guests and it's super tiny. It also has hot pink towels and candles/deco which I LOVE! I'm slowely decorating each room in my apartment, and started with this one... My living room from view of my entry way/"dining" room (which has no table or chairs, only a makeshift bar). Nice and big, but also weird layout, which is why my couch is in the middle of the room. Still not sure about what to do with the space behind my couch since there is basically a wall of windows on the wall behind it... (i didn't even take a picture of the patio since there is nothing on it but dirt and leaves...)

My itsy-bitsy kitchen. No explanation neccesary.

My bedroom from view of my door. There's a fountain outside the window, which sounds lovely, but it also makes me wake up every morning thinking its raining. It's dissapointing when I turn on the news and find out its 110 degrees and not a cloud in sight. My messy, messy desk in the bedroom.. "Master" Bathroom. sink in the middle...toilet/shower on the right side, closet on the left.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Two in One Post

Not alot of time to post right now, so here is a quick picture from Danielle and Jon's wedding AND a picture of me and my daddy (in honor of Father's Day yesterday). This was at the very end of the reception, so I was super sweaty and tired after dancing and being on my feet all day.

I spent all day Sunday hanging at the hotel where the reception was held (my dad had gotten a room there) while he golfed, then we spent a couple hours hanging out together. And he came and had lunch with me at work today too! The best gift of all is getting to spend time with him, especially since I won't see him until his birthday in August again. I am a total daddy's girl and i miss him terribly when he is working out of town. I cherish every moment we get to spend together when he is home.

Out of time... I will blog about the wedding soon!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Quick Post

My best friend is getting married tomorrow. I love her and he fiance so very much. They are soulmates in every sense of the word. It's surreal that this day has finally come. I am going to be a blubbering mess tomorrow...i've already cried twice today and it was only the rehearsal/rehearsal dinner. oy.

Love you Miss D! You are going to be a beautiful bride!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Adventures of a Single 22-Year Old: Changes

I need to change my life. For my emotional and mental health. I have a few options i have been considering....most of which involve me moving away from my current life:

  • Joining the military - reserve, not active duty. It's something I have wanted to do for many years...Air Force, most likely, although I would look into other branches as well.
  • Out of State Grad School - UNLV, SDSU, UCSD and many others I have looked into. I won't go t0 grad school in AZ if I decide to go
  • Peace Corps/AmeriCorps/Red Cross - international non-profit work....amazing

Just some options. I feel so lost right now. I need to figure out what to do in order to be found.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Adventures of a Single 22-Year Old: Getting Over It

How do you trust another after you have been hurt so badly you don't think it's possible to trust someone again? When you give someone your entire heart and they tear it into pieces? Honestly, after something like is it possible to trust someone else not to do the same thing?

That's my dilemma lately. I hate being one of those girls who is so screwed up by the guy who screwed her over that she can't move on. It's not even that...I want to move on. In a lot of ways I have moved on. But I find myself getting close to someone and it's like something inside me pulls back and says "Woah wait - remember what happened last time you felt this way?" Which leads to the fact that I completely messed up an opportunity to get to know a seemingly great guy.

How do I get over it? How do I let someone in again?

"The reasons I'm alone I know by heart
But I don't want to spend forever in the dark
I swear next time I'll hang on for dear life
If love ever gives me another try"
-Josh Turner "Another Try"